This is what I wrote for a book for my homophobic former church

No jokes in this one, sorry

Hi! As some of you may know, I grew up in a Christian denomination called the Brethren in Christ. Recently, some folks got together and published a book of essays by people calling for the church to change their policy and become affirming of LGBTQ+ people. My mom asked me to write an essay, and I agreed. Then, I had a really hard time putting pen to paper. I couldn't quite hit the right tone (I would say my tone was usually “furious” which was not really what anyone was going for, vibe-wise. Even though it would be very justified). I complained to my Mom about this, and she suggested that I write a letter to kids growing up the way I did. So, I did. A few people asked to read it, and I don't think they should have to buy a super inside baseball book to be able to do that, so I'm running it here. I'm on my phone at work typing this and can't add links (lol), but if you come back later, I'll add in the link to the book (“An Invitation to Conversation: Becoming More Inclusive of LGBTQ+ People in the Brethren in Christ Church”), although if you are reading this newsletter, you are probably not the right audience for the book (lol).

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Dear queer kid growing up in the Brethren in Christ Church,

Hi! You don’t know me, but I used to be a queer kid in the BIC church, just like you.

I know there are a lot of different places you could be right now. You could know you're queer, disagree vehemently with the church's position on LGBTQ folks, and be counting down the days until you can leave. You could know you're queer, love Jesus, and want to stay, but feel strongly that the church should affirm queer people. You could know you're queer, stand by the church's position, and feel sad or scared. You might not be sure if you're queer and be confused about how to move forward. You may feel like there is something wrong with you -- for a long time, that's how I felt. These are just a few of the millions of different ways you might be feeling, and I know people who have gone through all of these scenarios and more. However you’re feeling, you are very much not alone.

There are so many things I want to leave you with, and so many things I wish I knew when I was in your shoes. The first is that I strongly oppose the Brethren in Christ Church's stance on LGBTQ+ people. I believe that queer folks are made in the image of God and should be loved, celebrated, and affirmed members of any religious community. If you feel this way too, there are many, many churches and many Christians that agree with you. In fact, there are churches that have gay, bisexual, lesbian, trans, or queer pastors and leadership. If being a Christian is important to you, you don't have to stay in a community that does not affirm you. You deserve to be in a church where the love of God and membership in the community is offered to all members with complete and total equity.

The second thing I want to leave you with is that being LGBTQ+ is the most powerful thing I've ever experienced, and there is so much beauty and community waiting for you in the future. Being involved in queer community has brought me so many wonderful lifelong friends, my lovely girlfriend, and more unconditional love and care than I could have ever imagined. It’s made me a sharper and more empathetic person, and more aware of the importance of fighting for equity and justice. I want you to know that there is an unbelievable amount of love and light waiting in your future. You will build relationships with people who love you unconditionally and as your whole self

With all that said, you may find that even when you leave and build a life for yourself that is full of people who love you and believe in the full personhood and equality of LGBTQ+ people, that a lot of things are still challenging. You may struggle to let go of homophobic mentalities that you learned, or you may feel very deeply hurt about the homophobia you experienced in the church. It can be hard to carry that pain. When I first left the church, I felt like everyone around me – the folks who had grown up in affirming communities – had years of experience on me. They already knew how to affirm their own feelings and how to accept themselves as they are. They had queer friends from middle school and high school, and same gender exes. Seeing this made me feel an immense sense of loss. 

There is a piece in Rookie Magazine by Jude Doyle called “We’re Called Survivors Because We’re Still Here.” The piece is specifically about going through a sexual assault, but it has a lot of overarching messages about living through trauma and really, really difficult things. Doyle says that “you are going to have to walk through more than most to get to ‘OK,’ and you may have to keep walking back to it, over and over. But you are not alone, and help exists, and ‘the rest of your life’ is hopefully going to be a very long time.” This is what I want to tell you, too. Getting yourself to “OK” after leaving a homophobic environment will feel really intense at times, but it is possible. You will meet lots of other people who have grown up in similar environments who are doing the same thing. These people will be like lifelines for you as you navigate what your life looks like on the other side. You will have your whole life to make connections, build community, and be OK. And life is so long. 

 Another thing Doyle writes that I want to share with you is that “pain is a message, from the part of you that wants to live, telling you that something is wrong.” I share this line because if you feel pain about what happened to you, it’s tempting to invalidate your feelings about what happened. In fact, if you bring it up to folks who are not affirming, they may invalidate your feelings about what happened to you, too. That is something that really, really hurts. I want you to know that you feel that pain for a reason. It’s because it’s a message from your body that what happened to you is not okay. It’s a message that you deserve better, and that you deserve to be okay. Listen to it. 

I realize that this piece is a little heavy. The reason it’s heavy is that living through intense homophobia is a heavy thing to go through. It stays with you in ways you don’t expect. But like Doyle says, the rest of your life is a very, very long time. In that long life, you deserve equity, dignity, and love. You deserve real, loving friendships. You deserve to fall in love, to have relationships, to build a life with someone else. At a baseline level, you deserve the dignity afforded to straight and cisgender people. You can, and will, have that dignity and more. There is so much beauty waiting for you in the future. 

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Woof. That's it! I'll be back with something more fun in a few days.

xoxo,

evt