movies that would have been better if they were gay

Take a shot every time I say “hot butch” in this newsletter (I know what I’m about).

1. Ten Things I Hate About You

   

   There’s just something vaguely lesbian about this movie already, isn’t there? I can’t put my finger on why, but Heath Ledger is just serving dyke. I think an even lesbian-er version of this movie would only improve it.

   

This is a lesbian couple, if you ask me. The storyline is a lesbian storyline. I’m not taking any questions.

1. Sky High

   You don’t even have to change anything about this one to make it gay. Just have Will and Layla stay best friends, and Will and Warren become boyfriends.

   

   This is an actual still of Warren and Will from the actual movie. I can’t stress how much you barely need to change anything about the film to make this couple happen. The romantic tension is already in the stratosphere. Also, Magenta is obviously a lesbian, have you SEEN her?

   

   This is not a heterosexual woman! She and Layla could get together, but honestly, I kind of want Layla to stay single (nothing wrong with being hot and single!) and Magenta to date a hot butch character that I have invented in my mind’s eye. Zach could be nonbinary, he already dresses like 50 percent of transmasculine people I know socially.

   

   Really, this one writes itself.

2. Hairspray

   Everyone had already heard my idea for an all-queer hairspray. I know that this idea does not make any sense, and I also know that Hairspray is already Queer in like, the queer studies way. But I just think a hot butch singing “Ladies’ Choice” would heal America.

3. Superbad

   A secret thing I did and told no one about because I was so embarrassingly bad at it was play Evan in an American University film student’s class project, which was just a reenactment of the fake ID scene from Superbad. I realize this makes it sound like I did this while I was also an undergraduate student, but let me make it clear that it’s something I did within the last calendar year. I cannot stress to you how bad I was at this. I always think I will be semi-good at acting, because I have an inflated ego and think I have great comedic timing, but I cannot fix my face on camera to save my life. I won’t be sharing the full film, but here is a screenshot of me and my fellow ~actors~. They are doing a professional job, and I am…..making this face:

   

   I follow both of these folks on social media, and one of them just booked a commercial for a Catholic app for men about being a Good Catholic Man. Congrats, brother!

   All this to say, the thought of Evan being a foul-mouthed lesbian is kind of fun to me. I would watch that movie!

4. Read It and Weep

   

   I am seemingly the only person who saw this movie, but I think it would have been way more interesting if the main character were a lesbian. Like, her secret diaries get released and she’s just like, a little bit of a bitch to some girls who were mean to her? THAT’S the drama? Let’s spice it up! And have her be a lesbian! Or something! IDK.

   

   Mean girl Sawyer (middle, insane blue jacket) was definitely giving lesbian. She is played by Allison Scagliotti, AKA Josh’s girlfriend Mindy from Drake and Josh, who I have always felt served dyke. I cannot figure out what her deal is from Googling “Allison Scagliotti gay?” but her Instagram tells you all you need to know, IMO. If this woman, who hangs out with Raven Symone constantly, is heterosexual, I’ll eat my hat.

   In conclusion, if our protagonist Jamie had a crush on mean girl Sawyer, I think that would have made the whole movie a little bit spicier. I don’t want to see her randomly get together with Good Luck Charlie’s Jason Dolley at the end of the movie for no reason. I wan to see her be gay with Mindy from the hit show Drake and Josh! Do it for the plot, gals.

5. Kiki’s Delivery' Service

   I already know like, seven butches who look exactly like Tombo.

   

   I’ll leave you with some more of my very natural-looking acting work as Evan from the critically-acclaimed movie Superbad.

   

   For the love of God, someone tell her to do something chill with her hands.

   xoxo,

   evt